Hope and Jubilation

These last few weeks at my new job have been a revelation in terms of just how a workplace is supposed to function. I never cease to be amazed by these truly humble, caring, hard-working people that I now call my comrades. I have been embraced as one of their own. My Higher Power has given me such a blessing in this job.

Now, I will readily admit, when working on the floor, pushing a med cart, doing treatments, etc, this is a far more physically stressful job than anything I have ever known since being a dishwasher at Cracker Barrel when I was 16. When I am training in the supervisory role, however, it is far more mentally stressful, but physically a breeze. What is not present, however, is all the emotional baggage that came with the last job.

My life, in general, is doing far better than it was a month ago. School is now coming to a close, and all I lack is this massive paper than I am freaking late on writing, and doing a presentation next week. It is possible that I may get A's in each of my classes this semester.

My fiance and I are doing very well. Life is beautiful, indeed.

There is hope for the world, in the form of a polar bear

Catching Up . . . . Life sucks, then you die . . . then . . . serenity?

The last few weeks have been some of the lowest that I have seen in my life, whether in or outside of recovery. Thoughts of suicide have cropped up, and I have consigned myself, for a time, to the silence of sleep. To sleep is to not drink or act out, I reasoned. Sleeping also shields me from my thoughts, thoughts that are at best self-deprecating and self-loathing. However much recovery I thought I had, or how adequate my coping tools, sometimes life is indeed just too damn painful.

From my beginnings at my previous employer I chose to be an advocate for my patients and doing the right thing, and time and again I was told to shut up, to walk the line, and to not rock the boat. This was coupled with my never fitting into the established cliques, being a well-educated male in an extraordinarily female-dominated work setting. From the beginning I was assailed with rumors and gossip, everything from questions about my sexual orientation to gossip about my fiance. I certainly made some beautiful friendships with a number of my coworkers, but the small but vocal minority became ever vigilant in their attempts to get me to quit. I did not acquiesce, therefore they took action to see that I would quit. Things reached such a tempo that on April 10 I penned my resignation to my boss. After almost a year in the most toxic "snake pit" in the United States, I chose to exit this imposed exile of an employment situation and was able to do so with eligibility for rehire should I ever wish. I would rather gag myself with a spoon.

Due to some rather providential decisions on my part, I began orientation for my new job yesterday. Now that's a trick -- quit a job on Thursday, start new one on Monday! :) Not only a new job, but one in a supervisory position. Imagine that. What strikes me about this opportunity is that this place offers greater opportunity for advancement, a far less grueling commute (a 3 minute drive to work as opposed to a 30 minute drive), and slightly better pay. Not to mention far healthier work conditions. Also, in all liklihood, a less stressful job, though I have no assurances of this fact as of yet. Further, I am continually aghast at the professionalism and compassion of my new colleagues. This is what patient care is supposed to look like.

The moral of the story? Despite the most painful experience of my life, I didn't drink, and I didn't return to my bottom line behaviors in my sex addiction. That doesn't mean that I havn't been medicating, I'm sad to say. Pretty badly, in fact. But I have not returned to those things that brought me into this program, that have propelled me into the pit of shame that nearly led me to take my life before I came into this program. And I have learned that, if I do the right things, my Higher Power can and will do things for me that I cannot (or indeed, will not) do for myself. Not have I only been given the gift of recovery, the gift of my beautiful fiance (soon to be wife), the gift of a profession that I love -- I have been given a new lease on life. Every day, as many times a day, if I so desire. God is indeed merciful. And I am grateful indeed.

Intimacy

Intimacy presents itself as a topic time and again at the SAA meetings in our city, perhaps because it is a topic that we, as sex addicts, often knew little of before setting foot in the rooms. Perhaps, in our addiction, we felt we knew what intimacy was. That warm feeling in our abdomen as we completed our latest conquest or trist, or even taking pride in being in a long-term relationship without "cheating" in any direct fashion on our partner, despite our level of total emotional disconnectedness.

Real intimacy, of course, is something far more frightening. True intimacy is the antithesis of the unreal, the chemistry, the idol, the lust, or the connection that had the magic. Real intimacy mirrors who we really are right back at us, challenges us to be even more than we are. True intimacy is, in short, a confrontation with reality as it REALLY is, rather than how we might wish it to be.

Intimacy, of course, precedes, rather than is a product of, the physical union. That is not to say that healthy sexuality between one's partner and one self doesn't create even greater, even more fulfilling intimacy. Rather, the starting point of intimacy isn't the sexual act itself, but the honesty, fidelity, and shared commitment that precedes the act.

We live in a society that lies to us, telling us that "love" just happens. The reality, of course, is that love is a choice. Love is a commitment. Similarly, intimacy is the product of that shared commitment, an experience that lovers experience when they willingly CHOOSE to work towards that end.

In my own religious tradition it is firmly believed that human beings are made in the image and likeness of God. What we each hold within us is the indeliable mark of the Divine. One medieval Jewish mystic refers to us as the shattered shards of the mirror of the Divine Essence. Each of us, no matter how wounded and/or self-absorbed, hold within us something beautiful, something holy, something marvelous. We are even called to "become partakers of the divine nature" (1 Peter 1:4).

The relevance of this great mystery to human sexuality is obvious. If sexuality were evil, dirty, shameful, etc. as some folks seem to suggest, it would mean that God was in fact tainted by assuming human nature. Just as lovemaking has the potential to bring unbelievable joy into our lives, we must readily admit that it also has the potential to create unfathomable suffering in our lives and the lives of others. When we "become one" we exchange great energy, great power, an essential part of our being. When we make love we give part of ourselves to another. We make ourselves, our whole being, vulnerable to another person.

Indeed, healthy sexuality contains within it the power to change the world. For if everyone submitted themselves to the vulnerability and self-revelation that true intimacy entails, how many wars could be avoided, how many less children die of starvation, how much less suffering would we allow the world to endure?

Love As Our Deepest Personal Meaning

"..Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value, and identity. But this revelation remains impossible as long as we are the prisoner of our own egoism. I cannot find myself in myself, but only in another. My true meaning and worth are shown to me not in my estimate of myself, but in the eyes of the one who loves me; and that one must love me as I am, with my faults and limitations, revealing to me the truth that these faults and limitations cannot destroy my worth in their eyes; and that I am therefore valuable as a person, in spite of my shortcomings, in spite of the imperfections of my exterior ..package... The package is totally unimportant. What matters is this infinitely precious message which I can discover only in my love for another person. And this message, this secret, is not fully revealed to me unless at the same time I am able to see and understand the mysterious and unique worth of the one I love..."
(Thomas Merton, 1979, Love and Living, p. 35).

Havn't posted in a while

Life has been a bit challenging lately with juggling the many and various demands upon my time and schedule. I've discovered that working full time and even part-time graduate school is taxing upon me. I'm just a bit wimpy if you ask me.

As regarding my program, all seems to be quite well. I've frankly felt for quite some time that I have been circling oblivion in terms of working my program, and have thus decided that my best course of action is to do that which I know to be effective -- start reworking my Steps. I've been stuck in doing Step 9 amends for quite some time (my 2nd time through the Steps). It appears to me that I obviously didn't do something right in the beginning and thus I have begun working the Steps again.

All things considered my life is pretty chipper these days. I've had a few minor slides in to oblivion, emotionally, but I am back on track and feeling quite confidant in how I am working my program these days. What I am most impressed with is how my Higher Power has changed my attitudes over these past few years. I am grateful, very grateful, for this great gift of recovery that has been given to me.

This Demented Inn

"Into this world, this demented inn, in which there is absolutely no room for him at all, Christ has come uninvited. But because he cannot be at home in it - because he is out of place in it, and yet must be in it - his place is with those others who do not belong, who are rejected because they are regarded as weak; and with those who are discredited, who are denied the status of persons, and are tortured, exterminated. With those for whom there is no room, Christ is present in this world. He is mysteriously present in those for whom there seems to be nothing but the world at its worst" (Thomas Merton).

Hamster on a wheel drinking Red Bull

I heard a marvelous analogy of addiction in an AA meeting this evening. It was remarked that the process of active addiction was rather like being a "hampster on a wheel drinking red bull." For some odd reason this stuck with me -- this has certainly been my experience. Active addiction was, whether chemicals or addictive sexual behaviors, like a roller-coaster with an iron seat that nothing seemed to pry me away from. I was rotating at rapidly increasing speeds, losing the coins in my pockets, my wallet, my keys, even my shirt. The only difference is that now, in recovery, I simply havn't put down the Red Bull. :)

Healing of the Unconscious

I went to a magnificent SAA meeting this evening where I got very honest with everyone in the group about some middle circle behaviors that have been going on for me, and my failed attempts at reigning them in. I have been honest with my sponsor and my fiance about these things, but have been very reluctant to put them out there for the group. There is this false sense that I have that I shouldn't be struggling with such things with the time in sobriety that I have. But there is a greater voice that tells me that I will be accepted and loved, despite my faults, failings, and imperfections. There is, of course, the voice that cries for honesty and transparency, a voice that I acquiesced tonight.

I also had a lovely time this evening with one of my sponsees helping him work his 3rd Step. I never cease to be amazed at the magic of this program and of these Steps. I never cease to be humbled by its work in the lives of others. Perhaps I should be more consciously aware of how the program works in my own life.

At the moment I am reading this fabulous book. Here are some quotations that I think are very pertinent for recovering people:

" . . . because of the 'human condition' and the false programs for happiness that we have developed early on, it seems that we have not yet reached this stage [referring to the graduation from mere self-concern and motivation towards the larger concerns of family, country, and the world] and instead have a sense of being alienated from God. If we emerged into full reflective self-consciousness with a growing sense of being in union with God, then we would continue to develop in the process of ever-higher levels of consciousness, because of the security that comes from our union with God. However, because of our sense of alienation from God, we are afraid and feel alien in the world. The world is experienced as a threatening place" (Murchadh O' Madagain, Centering Prayer and the Healing of the Unconscious, 2007, p. 28-29)

"We should remember that anytime we experience an upsetting emotion, it is pointing to something deeper that is not right. If we find ourselves upset, it is because some emotional program has just been frustrated. The only way to resolve this ongoing problem is to face the issue within us, instead of trying to tackle the millions of issues that will trigger off this reaction from the outside, which obviously is impossible. Until these false programs for happiness are undone, we will go on reacting and being miserable, blaming the rest of the world for our own unhappiness" (Murchadh O' Madagain, Centering Prayer and the Healing of the Unconscious, 2007, p. 51).

"The fourth kind of consent is the consent to be transformed. While this might sound appealing, many people are in great fear of it, as they do not know what it involves and do not want to rush into it. 'The transforming union requires consent to the death of the false self, and the false self is the only self we know.' People can be more afraid of this than of physical death" (Murchadh O' Madagain, Centering Prayer and the Healing of the Unconscious, 2007, p. 56-57).

Restoring The True Self

"Restoring The True Self"
January 28, 2007
by Chris

We have lost our true selves
You and I
We members of this broken human race
Lacking in fearless self-examination
We embrace the emptiness of our disease --
This broken
Shattered
Humanity.

We embrace our selfish
Egotistical desires
Abandoning ourselves of any responsibility
To anyone else other than our instincts.
No suffering or ego deflation for us.
We'll just smoke some blow,
Drown ourselves in the oblivion of tequila,
Sex it up with some crack whore
Down the street who doesn't
Even know your name.

This ignorance
This compulsion towards emptiness
Against which everything else is denial
Lies to us sweetly
Like the sweet utterances of a lover in the
Throws of passion
Seductively digging her claws into your flesh
As she grinds her pelvis
Into the depths of your empty little soul.

Form is without emptiness
And emptiness is without form.
That which is form is emptiness
That which is emptiness form.
Unskillful actions are but potentials
Activated by our minds
Which can neither be created nor destroyed.
Wisdom beyond wisdom.
No good or evil.
No knowledge to be gained.
No obstacles
No fears.
Nothing really to be obtained.
Just awakening.
Sweet awakening.
Beyond the sea of denial and disease.

Twelve Steps of A Sponsor

I found this somewhere and felt it to be very appropriate:

Twelve Steps of a Sponsor (Anonymous)

1. I will not help you stay and wallow in limbo.
2. I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.
3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to continue becoming the authority for your own living.
4. I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up,” simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow yourself, by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, or tell you what is best for you in your world, for you have your own world.
8. I cannot convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of growing, over the safe misery of not growing.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when YOU choose not to GROW.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity, when I begin to lose trust in you, then I am toxic and bad, inhibiting for you, and you for me.
11. You MUST know — my helping is conditional; I will be with you, I will hang in there with you, as long as I continue to get even the slightest hints that you are willing and still trying to GROW.
12. If you can accept all of this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what HP meant us to be — mature adults — leaving childishness forever to the little children."

A New Year, One Day At A Time

At one point in my life I sincerely felt as if I had been singularly chosen by God to endure the bulk of suffering of mankind. Today I am firmly convinced that I am exceedingly lucky compared to many. My patients never cease to humble me.

One young 14-year old patient of mine today stands in my mind. This child was hospitalized at the age of 7 due to a suicide attempt by hanging related to dealing with being sexually assaulted multiple times by a 15 year old boy. Yesterday marked the 3-year anniversary of his father's suicide, and he found himself in my care because he attempted to end his own life in a similar fashion. Seared on this child's mind is the image of peeling his father's corpse from a car in his grandmother's driveway, brains splattered across the leather seats, victim to his own handgun and an utterly desolate life. Schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar/manic depressive disorder) and alcoholism stole his joy and meaning.

This child and I talked at length -- about his own struggles, his own joys, his own search for meaning. Perhaps most people would see a delinquent child who has assaulted his step-father and police officers, who is chemically dependent, learning disabled, generally socially undesirable, and bound for a life in the criminal justice system. I see a life that can be saved if we only search deeply enough with the arms of love and acceptance.

Perhaps this is what my life is about -- to purify the shame and suffering in my own life and be a light of healing into the lives of others. I certainly don't do this perfectly -- I am not always as patient as I could be, I don't always know the right thing to say at the right time for the right child, I am often far more judgmental than I should be -- but what I do is care, and I am fairly certain that I communicate this well to every wounded child whom I care for. And this is what God made me to do -- to be present to the suffering of others, and to be party to their own search for meaning.