At one point in my life I sincerely felt as if I had been singularly chosen by God to endure the bulk of suffering of mankind. Today I am firmly convinced that I am exceedingly lucky compared to many. My patients never cease to humble me.
One young 14-year old patient of mine today stands in my mind. This child was hospitalized at the age of 7 due to a suicide attempt by hanging related to dealing with being sexually assaulted multiple times by a 15 year old boy. Yesterday marked the 3-year anniversary of his father's suicide, and he found himself in my care because he attempted to end his own life in a similar fashion. Seared on this child's mind is the image of peeling his father's corpse from a car in his grandmother's driveway, brains splattered across the leather seats, victim to his own handgun and an utterly desolate life. Schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar/manic depressive disorder) and alcoholism stole his joy and meaning.
This child and I talked at length -- about his own struggles, his own joys, his own search for meaning. Perhaps most people would see a delinquent child who has assaulted his step-father and police officers, who is chemically dependent, learning disabled, generally socially undesirable, and bound for a life in the criminal justice system. I see a life that can be saved if we only search deeply enough with the arms of love and acceptance.
Perhaps this is what my life is about -- to purify the shame and suffering in my own life and be a light of healing into the lives of others. I certainly don't do this perfectly -- I am not always as patient as I could be, I don't always know the right thing to say at the right time for the right child, I am often far more judgmental than I should be -- but what I do is care, and I am fairly certain that I communicate this well to every wounded child whom I care for. And this is what God made me to do -- to be present to the suffering of others, and to be party to their own search for meaning.
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2 comments:
Lovely. In my view of the universe, if there were a heaven and a loving God, that God would reserve a special place in heaven for the people society thinks the least of, people like your patient, because they are the ones the most in need of healing. There would be no hell; we all have plenty of suffering without it.
Wow. To say I needed to read this tonight would be an understatement. Thanks for helping get the flaming "V" (for victim) off of my chest and my mind back to where it needed to be. Not poor pitful me who has to endure life as the ex-wife of a SA. But thank you, God, for this gift. Even though I have no idea what You want me to do with it, I know for a fact that I'll be able to help someone else because of it.
Good work with your patient. And thanks for sharing it with the rest of us.
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