This Demented Inn

"Into this world, this demented inn, in which there is absolutely no room for him at all, Christ has come uninvited. But because he cannot be at home in it - because he is out of place in it, and yet must be in it - his place is with those others who do not belong, who are rejected because they are regarded as weak; and with those who are discredited, who are denied the status of persons, and are tortured, exterminated. With those for whom there is no room, Christ is present in this world. He is mysteriously present in those for whom there seems to be nothing but the world at its worst" (Thomas Merton).

Hamster on a wheel drinking Red Bull

I heard a marvelous analogy of addiction in an AA meeting this evening. It was remarked that the process of active addiction was rather like being a "hampster on a wheel drinking red bull." For some odd reason this stuck with me -- this has certainly been my experience. Active addiction was, whether chemicals or addictive sexual behaviors, like a roller-coaster with an iron seat that nothing seemed to pry me away from. I was rotating at rapidly increasing speeds, losing the coins in my pockets, my wallet, my keys, even my shirt. The only difference is that now, in recovery, I simply havn't put down the Red Bull. :)

Healing of the Unconscious

I went to a magnificent SAA meeting this evening where I got very honest with everyone in the group about some middle circle behaviors that have been going on for me, and my failed attempts at reigning them in. I have been honest with my sponsor and my fiance about these things, but have been very reluctant to put them out there for the group. There is this false sense that I have that I shouldn't be struggling with such things with the time in sobriety that I have. But there is a greater voice that tells me that I will be accepted and loved, despite my faults, failings, and imperfections. There is, of course, the voice that cries for honesty and transparency, a voice that I acquiesced tonight.

I also had a lovely time this evening with one of my sponsees helping him work his 3rd Step. I never cease to be amazed at the magic of this program and of these Steps. I never cease to be humbled by its work in the lives of others. Perhaps I should be more consciously aware of how the program works in my own life.

At the moment I am reading this fabulous book. Here are some quotations that I think are very pertinent for recovering people:

" . . . because of the 'human condition' and the false programs for happiness that we have developed early on, it seems that we have not yet reached this stage [referring to the graduation from mere self-concern and motivation towards the larger concerns of family, country, and the world] and instead have a sense of being alienated from God. If we emerged into full reflective self-consciousness with a growing sense of being in union with God, then we would continue to develop in the process of ever-higher levels of consciousness, because of the security that comes from our union with God. However, because of our sense of alienation from God, we are afraid and feel alien in the world. The world is experienced as a threatening place" (Murchadh O' Madagain, Centering Prayer and the Healing of the Unconscious, 2007, p. 28-29)

"We should remember that anytime we experience an upsetting emotion, it is pointing to something deeper that is not right. If we find ourselves upset, it is because some emotional program has just been frustrated. The only way to resolve this ongoing problem is to face the issue within us, instead of trying to tackle the millions of issues that will trigger off this reaction from the outside, which obviously is impossible. Until these false programs for happiness are undone, we will go on reacting and being miserable, blaming the rest of the world for our own unhappiness" (Murchadh O' Madagain, Centering Prayer and the Healing of the Unconscious, 2007, p. 51).

"The fourth kind of consent is the consent to be transformed. While this might sound appealing, many people are in great fear of it, as they do not know what it involves and do not want to rush into it. 'The transforming union requires consent to the death of the false self, and the false self is the only self we know.' People can be more afraid of this than of physical death" (Murchadh O' Madagain, Centering Prayer and the Healing of the Unconscious, 2007, p. 56-57).

Restoring The True Self

"Restoring The True Self"
January 28, 2007
by Chris

We have lost our true selves
You and I
We members of this broken human race
Lacking in fearless self-examination
We embrace the emptiness of our disease --
This broken
Shattered
Humanity.

We embrace our selfish
Egotistical desires
Abandoning ourselves of any responsibility
To anyone else other than our instincts.
No suffering or ego deflation for us.
We'll just smoke some blow,
Drown ourselves in the oblivion of tequila,
Sex it up with some crack whore
Down the street who doesn't
Even know your name.

This ignorance
This compulsion towards emptiness
Against which everything else is denial
Lies to us sweetly
Like the sweet utterances of a lover in the
Throws of passion
Seductively digging her claws into your flesh
As she grinds her pelvis
Into the depths of your empty little soul.

Form is without emptiness
And emptiness is without form.
That which is form is emptiness
That which is emptiness form.
Unskillful actions are but potentials
Activated by our minds
Which can neither be created nor destroyed.
Wisdom beyond wisdom.
No good or evil.
No knowledge to be gained.
No obstacles
No fears.
Nothing really to be obtained.
Just awakening.
Sweet awakening.
Beyond the sea of denial and disease.

Twelve Steps of A Sponsor

I found this somewhere and felt it to be very appropriate:

Twelve Steps of a Sponsor (Anonymous)

1. I will not help you stay and wallow in limbo.
2. I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.
3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to continue becoming the authority for your own living.
4. I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up,” simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow yourself, by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, or tell you what is best for you in your world, for you have your own world.
8. I cannot convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of growing, over the safe misery of not growing.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when YOU choose not to GROW.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity, when I begin to lose trust in you, then I am toxic and bad, inhibiting for you, and you for me.
11. You MUST know — my helping is conditional; I will be with you, I will hang in there with you, as long as I continue to get even the slightest hints that you are willing and still trying to GROW.
12. If you can accept all of this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what HP meant us to be — mature adults — leaving childishness forever to the little children."

A New Year, One Day At A Time

At one point in my life I sincerely felt as if I had been singularly chosen by God to endure the bulk of suffering of mankind. Today I am firmly convinced that I am exceedingly lucky compared to many. My patients never cease to humble me.

One young 14-year old patient of mine today stands in my mind. This child was hospitalized at the age of 7 due to a suicide attempt by hanging related to dealing with being sexually assaulted multiple times by a 15 year old boy. Yesterday marked the 3-year anniversary of his father's suicide, and he found himself in my care because he attempted to end his own life in a similar fashion. Seared on this child's mind is the image of peeling his father's corpse from a car in his grandmother's driveway, brains splattered across the leather seats, victim to his own handgun and an utterly desolate life. Schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar/manic depressive disorder) and alcoholism stole his joy and meaning.

This child and I talked at length -- about his own struggles, his own joys, his own search for meaning. Perhaps most people would see a delinquent child who has assaulted his step-father and police officers, who is chemically dependent, learning disabled, generally socially undesirable, and bound for a life in the criminal justice system. I see a life that can be saved if we only search deeply enough with the arms of love and acceptance.

Perhaps this is what my life is about -- to purify the shame and suffering in my own life and be a light of healing into the lives of others. I certainly don't do this perfectly -- I am not always as patient as I could be, I don't always know the right thing to say at the right time for the right child, I am often far more judgmental than I should be -- but what I do is care, and I am fairly certain that I communicate this well to every wounded child whom I care for. And this is what God made me to do -- to be present to the suffering of others, and to be party to their own search for meaning.