Sometimes life IN recovery isn't a hell of a lot better than life outside of recovery

This hasn't been the best of days or months for me. Sometimes I feel, however selfishly, that I am singled out for suffering in life. Many days of late I feel like my Higher Power is punishing me for my past actions, that somehow or the other, I'm still not good enough.

For instance, last week I had to withdraw from a graduate class because I wasn't passing it, and this has pushed forward my graduation for a year. I spent most of the week sitting in that shame, not to mention some other shame associated with that situation. That, coupled with the fact that I had a minor fender bender last week, which was my fault, for which my insurance will be paying out $560 to repair this gentleman's car. Also not helpful. Added to that I got a speeding ticket today on the way to work. Not good.

Add that to a call from one of my sponsees this morning that his legal issues are not resolving as we were previously counting on. I am still convinced that this is nothing more that a big giant fucking pothole in the road and that things will work out as they are supposed to. It's somehow easier for me to believe that God is far less interested in punishing him than me.

Add to that some rather painful and to me, shaming, conflicts at work with co-workers. Somehow or the other I always seem to find a way to shame myself, and feel like everything is my fault.

On the flip side of things, my romantic relationship is soaring far beyond anything I have ever known. We have an intimacy and honesty that I have never experienced before. I have every intention of asking this woman to marry me in December. We've been together 3.5 years and it has never been this good. It's amazing. She is a singularly incredible human being and I am the luckiest man alive to have her as part of my life.

In addition, my SAA sponsees are doing well in their respective recoveries, and have each expressed to me in the past week that my gentleness and kindness towards them have been vital in their recovery journey. That is coupled with the fact that I think I have finally found someone in my area to be my new AA sponsor. I have not been very successful in finding someone since the move, and I frankly have not been utilizing sponsorship as I should. I also have been unable to utilize my SAA sponsor as I might like due to some rather taxing tragedies in her life in the last six months or so. I really need some quality time from her right now.

I have a therapy session tomorrow afternoon before I go into work, and I hope and pray that I will hear something that I can use to get me through tomorrow. At least, tonight, I feel very lonely and afraid. I am greatly in need of some intervention on the part of my Higher Power.