"Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value, and identity. But this revelation remains impossible as long as we are the prisoner of our own egoism. I cannot find myself in myself, but only in another. My true meaning and worth are shown to me not in my estimate of myself, but in the eyes of the one who loves me; and that one must love me as I am, with my faults and limitations, revealing to me the truth that these faults and limitations cannot destroy my worth in their eyes; and that I am therefore valuable as a person, in spite of my shortcomings, in spite of the imperfections of my exterior ..package... The package is totally unimportant. What matters is this infinitely precious message which I can discover only in my love for another person. And this message, this secret, is not fully revealed to me unless at the same time I am able to see and understand the mysterious and unique worth of the one I love..." (Thomas Merton, Love and Living, 1979, p. 35).
Merton has this lovely gift of forcing us to transcend our complacency. Love IS the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value, and identity. The image first conjured in my mind by this passage from Merton creates for me an image of two star-crossed lovers peering into the eyes of one another on some starry, moon-lit night with the crickets and cicadas singing in the distance. However well this passage reflects what true intimacy should look like in a spousal relationship, we need not forget that Merton was in fact a cloistered monastic who eventually became a hermit.
Too often we are in fact prisoners of our own egoism. It is easy to recognize that we are obviously ego driven when we act selfishly, creating suffering for others. This sort of self-obsession is comfortable, easy for us. A more insidious vice is the self-obsession whose voice tells us that we are valueless, unworthy of love, that we do not in fact deserve love and respect. This is the same voice of our self-proclaimed martyrdom, who rears its head when we we willingly CHOOSE to be victim to the selfishness of others. How many times have we, in our ADULT lives, allowed ourselves to be the victim, taking insults and abuse, denying our inherent dignity and worth?
The bitter reality for us is that these two forms of self-obsession are in fact sides of the same coin. When we fail to love ourselves, to accept ourselves as we really ARE, rather than the fantasy reality we create within our minds, we betray the image of our Higher Power within us, that image that is so deeply imprinted into our souls. Those of us who proclaim theological traditions in the Judeo-Christian lineage state that we believe that we are "made in the image and likeness of God." How often, then, do we, as Recovering persons, live and act as if we are that reflection of the Divine Essence? Should we not recoil as easily at abuse that we inflict on ourselves? Should we not not expend every effort to protect our own shattered reflection of the Divine Essence? Should we not be as vigilant in defending the Divine light within ourselves?
The answer is obvious.
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1 comment:
I've been thinking a lot about the Third Step Prayer lately, "relieve me of the bondage of self." Your post on ego is helping me to improve my relationship with my Higher Power and understand more fully what surrender of ego means. Thanks for that.
I was glad to read in your last post that you are feeling better and that you are growing in your recovery. I believe that as our recovery grows, so does our addict, so does our recovery. It's all a cycle. And your discovery of some "middle ground" that needs to be moved to your bottom lines need not be a source of shame, but a thanks to your Higher Power for revealing new things to you. My ESH, take what you like and leave the rest.
I'm enjoying your blog. Please keep writing.
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