"Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value, and identity. But this revelation remains impossible as long as we are the prisoner of our own egoism. I cannot find myself in myself, but only in another. My true meaning and worth are shown to me not in my estimate of myself, but in the eyes of the one who loves me; and that one must love me as I am, with my faults and limitations, revealing to me the truth that these faults and limitations cannot destroy my worth in their eyes; and that I am therefore valuable as a person, in spite of my shortcomings, in spite of the imperfections of my exterior ..package... The package is totally unimportant. What matters is this infinitely precious message which I can discover only in my love for another person. And this message, this secret, is not fully revealed to me unless at the same time I am able to see and understand the mysterious and unique worth of the one I love..." (Thomas Merton, Love and Living, 1979, p. 35).
Merton has this lovely gift of forcing us to transcend our complacency. Love IS the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value, and identity. The image first conjured in my mind by this passage from Merton creates for me an image of two star-crossed lovers peering into the eyes of one another on some starry, moon-lit night with the crickets and cicadas singing in the distance. However well this passage reflects what true intimacy should look like in a spousal relationship, we need not forget that Merton was in fact a cloistered monastic who eventually became a hermit.
Too often we are in fact prisoners of our own egoism. It is easy to recognize that we are obviously ego driven when we act selfishly, creating suffering for others. This sort of self-obsession is comfortable, easy for us. A more insidious vice is the self-obsession whose voice tells us that we are valueless, unworthy of love, that we do not in fact deserve love and respect. This is the same voice of our self-proclaimed martyrdom, who rears its head when we we willingly CHOOSE to be victim to the selfishness of others. How many times have we, in our ADULT lives, allowed ourselves to be the victim, taking insults and abuse, denying our inherent dignity and worth?
The bitter reality for us is that these two forms of self-obsession are in fact sides of the same coin. When we fail to love ourselves, to accept ourselves as we really ARE, rather than the fantasy reality we create within our minds, we betray the image of our Higher Power within us, that image that is so deeply imprinted into our souls. Those of us who proclaim theological traditions in the Judeo-Christian lineage state that we believe that we are "made in the image and likeness of God." How often, then, do we, as Recovering persons, live and act as if we are that reflection of the Divine Essence? Should we not recoil as easily at abuse that we inflict on ourselves? Should we not not expend every effort to protect our own shattered reflection of the Divine Essence? Should we not be as vigilant in defending the Divine light within ourselves?
The answer is obvious.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Life is quite a bit more cheerful
I can say with much assurance that life is far more cheerful than it was in my post last week. The therapy session did go marvelously well, and the stressors at work have seemingly dissipated. It's very odd how life can seemingly progress from chaos to serenity within a matter of days. I've also finished all the papers that I have due this semester in graduate school, and the rest of the semester looks to be cheerful. My most likely scenario is two A's and one B, with a W for the class I dropped.
One of the things that comes to mind most for me from last week was the desperation that I felt in the wee hours of Friday morning. I was stressed to the point of being suicidal, which is certainly an odd thing for me. I had already done the appropriate things -- calling people, talking about what I was feeling, etc, all in addition to praying. What happened for me, however, at the 3:00 A.M. hour was a prayer of utter hopelessness, of surrender. "God, I need you, now. I need your intervention now, for my own means of dealing with this have been utter desolation." I awoke the next morning with a tremendous hope about life, and this was solidified in what was one of the most powerful therapy sessions I have ever had.
Life has been pretty hunky dorey since then. I was more than a bit sleep deprived earlier this week due to 18 hours spent on a graduate paper, but nothing has changed the hopefulness that was given me on Friday. I have a great deal of gratitude for my Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself.
One of the things that also strikes me this week is how utterly conniving sex addiction is. I have been struggling for quite some time to move some behaviors from my middle circle into my inner circle. In the beginning of my journey of sobriety these behaviors caused me little grief, for they were a far cry from the life of behaviors I was abandoning. These behaviors never endangered my intimate relationship nor caused me particular grief. They never hurt my soul, nor endangered my serenity in the past. I was also advised by my sponsor in the beginning to quit that which brought utter unmanageability and powerlessness and shame into my life, and leave those that are not patently obviously addictive for a future point.
The problem is -- I have reached that future point. A year and a half into sobriety, two years into the program, these behaviors that were somehow acceptable in early sobriety I now find to be a barrier to my spiritual growth. Furthermore, I see them as a barrier to my growth and devotion to the woman I love. These are not things that I wish to carry with me into a married relationship.
I find myself in meetings, saying that I am a year and a half "sober", while secretly feeling in my soul that I'm not -- because I feel as if the addiction still has this hold on me. I feel like a hypocrite to my sponsees because of this. What kind of model of sobriety am I if I still struggle like this?
One good thing that happened to me today was that I spoke with my sponsor for a good while today, and I will be meeting with her for lunch this Monday. Due to my relocation my time spent with her has been less than what either of us would like. Furthermore we talked about how limited our contact has been over the past few months with the drama that has been going on for her in her place of employment and her massive amounts of overtime required. What we came to was an understanding that we need to set a specific time in our combined schedules that, no matter what, we talk on the phone, at least for 30 minutes. This is what I need in my life right now. I need her guidance, her gentleness, her insight.
As for the AA sponsor that I've been exploring for here in my new location -- I'm not sure it's going to work out. He just doesn't seem like a good fit for me. So yet again, I'm on the lookout. The reality of the matter is that the right person WILL materialize at the right time, when that person is needed, and I am ready.
One of the things that comes to mind most for me from last week was the desperation that I felt in the wee hours of Friday morning. I was stressed to the point of being suicidal, which is certainly an odd thing for me. I had already done the appropriate things -- calling people, talking about what I was feeling, etc, all in addition to praying. What happened for me, however, at the 3:00 A.M. hour was a prayer of utter hopelessness, of surrender. "God, I need you, now. I need your intervention now, for my own means of dealing with this have been utter desolation." I awoke the next morning with a tremendous hope about life, and this was solidified in what was one of the most powerful therapy sessions I have ever had.
Life has been pretty hunky dorey since then. I was more than a bit sleep deprived earlier this week due to 18 hours spent on a graduate paper, but nothing has changed the hopefulness that was given me on Friday. I have a great deal of gratitude for my Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself.
One of the things that also strikes me this week is how utterly conniving sex addiction is. I have been struggling for quite some time to move some behaviors from my middle circle into my inner circle. In the beginning of my journey of sobriety these behaviors caused me little grief, for they were a far cry from the life of behaviors I was abandoning. These behaviors never endangered my intimate relationship nor caused me particular grief. They never hurt my soul, nor endangered my serenity in the past. I was also advised by my sponsor in the beginning to quit that which brought utter unmanageability and powerlessness and shame into my life, and leave those that are not patently obviously addictive for a future point.
The problem is -- I have reached that future point. A year and a half into sobriety, two years into the program, these behaviors that were somehow acceptable in early sobriety I now find to be a barrier to my spiritual growth. Furthermore, I see them as a barrier to my growth and devotion to the woman I love. These are not things that I wish to carry with me into a married relationship.
I find myself in meetings, saying that I am a year and a half "sober", while secretly feeling in my soul that I'm not -- because I feel as if the addiction still has this hold on me. I feel like a hypocrite to my sponsees because of this. What kind of model of sobriety am I if I still struggle like this?
One good thing that happened to me today was that I spoke with my sponsor for a good while today, and I will be meeting with her for lunch this Monday. Due to my relocation my time spent with her has been less than what either of us would like. Furthermore we talked about how limited our contact has been over the past few months with the drama that has been going on for her in her place of employment and her massive amounts of overtime required. What we came to was an understanding that we need to set a specific time in our combined schedules that, no matter what, we talk on the phone, at least for 30 minutes. This is what I need in my life right now. I need her guidance, her gentleness, her insight.
As for the AA sponsor that I've been exploring for here in my new location -- I'm not sure it's going to work out. He just doesn't seem like a good fit for me. So yet again, I'm on the lookout. The reality of the matter is that the right person WILL materialize at the right time, when that person is needed, and I am ready.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Sometimes life IN recovery isn't a hell of a lot better than life outside of recovery
This hasn't been the best of days or months for me. Sometimes I feel, however selfishly, that I am singled out for suffering in life. Many days of late I feel like my Higher Power is punishing me for my past actions, that somehow or the other, I'm still not good enough.
For instance, last week I had to withdraw from a graduate class because I wasn't passing it, and this has pushed forward my graduation for a year. I spent most of the week sitting in that shame, not to mention some other shame associated with that situation. That, coupled with the fact that I had a minor fender bender last week, which was my fault, for which my insurance will be paying out $560 to repair this gentleman's car. Also not helpful. Added to that I got a speeding ticket today on the way to work. Not good.
Add that to a call from one of my sponsees this morning that his legal issues are not resolving as we were previously counting on. I am still convinced that this is nothing more that a big giant fucking pothole in the road and that things will work out as they are supposed to. It's somehow easier for me to believe that God is far less interested in punishing him than me.
Add to that some rather painful and to me, shaming, conflicts at work with co-workers. Somehow or the other I always seem to find a way to shame myself, and feel like everything is my fault.
On the flip side of things, my romantic relationship is soaring far beyond anything I have ever known. We have an intimacy and honesty that I have never experienced before. I have every intention of asking this woman to marry me in December. We've been together 3.5 years and it has never been this good. It's amazing. She is a singularly incredible human being and I am the luckiest man alive to have her as part of my life.
In addition, my SAA sponsees are doing well in their respective recoveries, and have each expressed to me in the past week that my gentleness and kindness towards them have been vital in their recovery journey. That is coupled with the fact that I think I have finally found someone in my area to be my new AA sponsor. I have not been very successful in finding someone since the move, and I frankly have not been utilizing sponsorship as I should. I also have been unable to utilize my SAA sponsor as I might like due to some rather taxing tragedies in her life in the last six months or so. I really need some quality time from her right now.
I have a therapy session tomorrow afternoon before I go into work, and I hope and pray that I will hear something that I can use to get me through tomorrow. At least, tonight, I feel very lonely and afraid. I am greatly in need of some intervention on the part of my Higher Power.
For instance, last week I had to withdraw from a graduate class because I wasn't passing it, and this has pushed forward my graduation for a year. I spent most of the week sitting in that shame, not to mention some other shame associated with that situation. That, coupled with the fact that I had a minor fender bender last week, which was my fault, for which my insurance will be paying out $560 to repair this gentleman's car. Also not helpful. Added to that I got a speeding ticket today on the way to work. Not good.
Add that to a call from one of my sponsees this morning that his legal issues are not resolving as we were previously counting on. I am still convinced that this is nothing more that a big giant fucking pothole in the road and that things will work out as they are supposed to. It's somehow easier for me to believe that God is far less interested in punishing him than me.
Add to that some rather painful and to me, shaming, conflicts at work with co-workers. Somehow or the other I always seem to find a way to shame myself, and feel like everything is my fault.
On the flip side of things, my romantic relationship is soaring far beyond anything I have ever known. We have an intimacy and honesty that I have never experienced before. I have every intention of asking this woman to marry me in December. We've been together 3.5 years and it has never been this good. It's amazing. She is a singularly incredible human being and I am the luckiest man alive to have her as part of my life.
In addition, my SAA sponsees are doing well in their respective recoveries, and have each expressed to me in the past week that my gentleness and kindness towards them have been vital in their recovery journey. That is coupled with the fact that I think I have finally found someone in my area to be my new AA sponsor. I have not been very successful in finding someone since the move, and I frankly have not been utilizing sponsorship as I should. I also have been unable to utilize my SAA sponsor as I might like due to some rather taxing tragedies in her life in the last six months or so. I really need some quality time from her right now.
I have a therapy session tomorrow afternoon before I go into work, and I hope and pray that I will hear something that I can use to get me through tomorrow. At least, tonight, I feel very lonely and afraid. I am greatly in need of some intervention on the part of my Higher Power.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The solution to all of your addictive cravings
The solution to all of your addictive cravings......the Cadbury Crunchie Bar.....
Third Step Prayer
Dear God,
I find myself wandering the veritable abyss of existence, not in solitude, but in a sense of terminal “uniqueness” that I find frightening and lonely. All the while I strive for harmony and balance I see myself holding ever more tightly to the precipice, not quite ready to allow myself to let go and fall into Your embrace. I spend my life in a virtual whirlwind of activity, floundering about, pensive, about trivial matters. I waste away seeking the fleeting pleasure of another’s positive regard while the rotting corpse of my soul lies hanging, shackled in the dungeon of my despair.
I have come to see there is a better way. No longer must I be strangled in the grip of my own self-deprecation and hasty self-condemnation. No longer must I run after the promise of fulfillment in temporal success.
I have learned that I am not alone in my struggles. I am not that pathetic excuse of a moral reprobate that I have felt myself to be. I am merely a frail human creature who has spent much of his life chasing after the quick fix that only brought more sorrow on its wings. I am forgiven of my “unskillful actions” and have chosen to be responsible for the life that I live. I have learned that I can trust in the gentle arms of the universe to embrace me as I am swallowed by the billowing waves of love.
I know now that living justly means far more than simple moral conduct. It means living, fully, every moment of my life, in the recognition that through my fellow man . . . that which is me . . . . is consumed in You. That which I call my being is transfigured in the flame of Divine Love and is transformed by loving-kindness. I choose to be made whole. I now turn over all that I am to become all that I can be—as a man, as a human creature, as a wounded reflection of the Divine Essence Itself. Teach me to be, to live. Teach me to be present every moment of this precious life you have given me. So be it. Amen.
Love,
Chris
(Published on page 10 in the January/February 2007 Edition of The Plain Brown Rapper, the Newsletter of Sex Addicts Anonymous)
I find myself wandering the veritable abyss of existence, not in solitude, but in a sense of terminal “uniqueness” that I find frightening and lonely. All the while I strive for harmony and balance I see myself holding ever more tightly to the precipice, not quite ready to allow myself to let go and fall into Your embrace. I spend my life in a virtual whirlwind of activity, floundering about, pensive, about trivial matters. I waste away seeking the fleeting pleasure of another’s positive regard while the rotting corpse of my soul lies hanging, shackled in the dungeon of my despair.
I have come to see there is a better way. No longer must I be strangled in the grip of my own self-deprecation and hasty self-condemnation. No longer must I run after the promise of fulfillment in temporal success.
I have learned that I am not alone in my struggles. I am not that pathetic excuse of a moral reprobate that I have felt myself to be. I am merely a frail human creature who has spent much of his life chasing after the quick fix that only brought more sorrow on its wings. I am forgiven of my “unskillful actions” and have chosen to be responsible for the life that I live. I have learned that I can trust in the gentle arms of the universe to embrace me as I am swallowed by the billowing waves of love.
I know now that living justly means far more than simple moral conduct. It means living, fully, every moment of my life, in the recognition that through my fellow man . . . that which is me . . . . is consumed in You. That which I call my being is transfigured in the flame of Divine Love and is transformed by loving-kindness. I choose to be made whole. I now turn over all that I am to become all that I can be—as a man, as a human creature, as a wounded reflection of the Divine Essence Itself. Teach me to be, to live. Teach me to be present every moment of this precious life you have given me. So be it. Amen.
Love,
Chris
(Published on page 10 in the January/February 2007 Edition of The Plain Brown Rapper, the Newsletter of Sex Addicts Anonymous)
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