Grateful Recovering Sex Addict

Hope and Jubilation

2008-05-02T01:53:00.004-04:00

These last few weeks at my new job have been a revelation in terms of just how a workplace is supposed to function. I never cease to be amazed by these truly humble, caring, hard-working people that I now call my comrades. I have been embraced as one of their own. My Higher Power has given me such a blessing in this job.

Now, I will readily admit, when working on the floor, pushing a med cart, doing treatments, etc, this is a far more physically stressful job than anything I have ever known since being a dishwasher at Cracker Barrel when I was 16. When I am training in the supervisory role, however, it is far more mentally stressful, but physically a breeze. What is not present, however, is all the emotional baggage that came with the last job.

My life, in general, is doing far better than it was a month ago. School is now coming to a close, and all I lack is this massive paper than I am freaking late on writing, and doing a presentation next week. It is possible that I may get A's in each of my classes this semester.

My fiance and I are doing very well. Life is beautiful, indeed.

There is hope for the world, in the form of a polar bear

2008-04-20T22:07:00.005-04:00

Catching Up . . . . Life sucks, then you die . . . then . . . serenity?

2008-04-15T21:26:00.005-04:00

The last few weeks have been some of the lowest that I have seen in my life, whether in or outside of recovery. Thoughts of suicide have cropped up, and I have consigned myself, for a time, to the silence of sleep. To sleep is to not drink or act out, I reasoned. Sleeping also shields me from my thoughts, thoughts that are at best self-deprecating and self-loathing. However much recovery I thought I had, or how adequate my coping tools, sometimes life is indeed just too damn painful.

From my beginnings at my previous employer I chose to be an advocate for my patients and doing the right thing, and time and again I was told to shut up, to walk the line, and to not rock the boat. This was coupled with my never fitting into the established cliques, being a well-educated male in an extraordinarily female-dominated work setting. From the beginning I was assailed with rumors and gossip, everything from questions about my sexual orientation to gossip about my fiance. I certainly made some beautiful friendships with a number of my coworkers, but the small but vocal minority became ever vigilant in their attempts to get me to quit. I did not acquiesce, therefore they took action to see that I would quit. Things reached such a tempo that on April 10 I penned my resignation to my boss. After almost a year in the most toxic "snake pit" in the United States, I chose to exit this imposed exile of an employment situation and was able to do so with eligibility for rehire should I ever wish. I would rather gag myself with a spoon.

Due to some rather providential decisions on my part, I began orientation for my new job yesterday. Now that's a trick -- quit a job on Thursday, start new one on Monday! :) Not only a new job, but one in a supervisory position. Imagine that. What strikes me about this opportunity is that this place offers greater opportunity for advancement, a far less grueling commute (a 3 minute drive to work as opposed to a 30 minute drive), and slightly better pay. Not to mention far healthier work conditions. Also, in all liklihood, a less stressful job, though I have no assurances of this fact as of yet. Further, I am continually aghast at the professionalism and compassion of my new colleagues. This is what patient care is supposed to look like.

The moral of the story? Despite the most painful experience of my life, I didn't drink, and I didn't return to my bottom line behaviors in my sex addiction. That doesn't mean that I havn't been medicating, I'm sad to say. Pretty badly, in fact. But I have not returned to those things that brought me into this program, that have propelled me into the pit of shame that nearly led me to take my life before I came into this program. And I have learned that, if I do the right things, my Higher Power can and will do things for me that I cannot (or indeed, will not) do for myself. Not have I only been given the gift of recovery, the gift of my beautiful fiance (soon to be wife), the gift of a profession that I love -- I have been given a new lease on life. Every day, as many times a day, if I so desire. God is indeed merciful. And I am grateful indeed.

Intimacy

2008-03-17T18:13:00.001-04:00

Intimacy presents itself as a topic time and again at the SAA meetings in our city, perhaps because it is a topic that we, as sex addicts, often knew little of before setting foot in the rooms. Perhaps, in our addiction, we felt we knew what intimacy was. That warm feeling in our abdomen as we completed our latest conquest or trist, or even taking pride in being in a long-term relationship without "cheating" in any direct fashion on our partner, despite our level of total emotional disconnectedness.

Real intimacy, of course, is something far more frightening. True intimacy is the antithesis of the unreal, the chemistry, the idol, the lust, or the connection that had the magic. Real intimacy mirrors who we really are right back at us, challenges us to be even more than we are. True intimacy is, in short, a confrontation with reality as it REALLY is, rather than how we might wish it to be.

Intimacy, of course, precedes, rather than is a product of, the physical union. That is not to say that healthy sexuality between one's partner and one self doesn't create even greater, even more fulfilling intimacy. Rather, the starting point of intimacy isn't the sexual act itself, but the honesty, fidelity, and shared commitment that precedes the act.

We live in a society that lies to us, telling us that "love" just happens. The reality, of course, is that love is a choice. Love is a commitment. Similarly, intimacy is the product of that shared commitment, an experience that lovers experience when they willingly CHOOSE to work towards that end.

In my own religious tradition it is firmly believed that human beings are made in the image and likeness of God. What we each hold within us is the indeliable mark of the Divine. One medieval Jewish mystic refers to us as the shattered shards of the mirror of the Divine Essence. Each of us, no matter how wounded and/or self-absorbed, hold within us something beautiful, something holy, something marvelous. We are even called to "become partakers of the divine nature" (1 Peter 1:4).

The relevance of this great mystery to human sexuality is obvious. If sexuality were evil, dirty, shameful, etc. as some folks seem to suggest, it would mean that God was in fact tainted by assuming human nature. Just as lovemaking has the potential to bring unbelievable joy into our lives, we must readily admit that it also has the potential to create unfathomable suffering in our lives and the lives of others. When we "become one" we exchange great energy, great power, an essential part of our being. When we make love we give part of ourselves to another. We make ourselves, our whole being, vulnerable to another person.

Indeed, healthy sexuality contains within it the power to change the world. For if everyone submitted themselves to the vulnerability and self-revelation that true intimacy entails, how many wars could be avoided, how many less children die of starvation, how much less suffering would we allow the world to endure?

Love As Our Deepest Personal Meaning

2008-03-17T17:45:00.003-04:00

"..Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value, and identity. But this revelation remains impossible as long as we are the prisoner of our own egoism. I cannot find myself in myself, but only in another. My true meaning and worth are shown to me not in my estimate of myself, but in the eyes of the one who loves me; and that one must love me as I am, with my faults and limitations, revealing to me the truth that these faults and limitations cannot destroy my worth in their eyes; and that I am therefore valuable as a person, in spite of my shortcomings, in spite of the imperfections of my exterior ..package... The package is totally unimportant. What matters is this infinitely precious message which I can discover only in my love for another person. And this message, this secret, is not fully revealed to me unless at the same time I am able to see and understand the mysterious and unique worth of the one I love..."
(Thomas Merton, 1979, Love and Living, p. 35).

Havn't posted in a while

2008-03-03T21:15:00.002-05:00

Life has been a bit challenging lately with juggling the many and various demands upon my time and schedule. I've discovered that working full time and even part-time graduate school is taxing upon me. I'm just a bit wimpy if you ask me.

As regarding my program, all seems to be quite well. I've frankly felt for quite some time that I have been circling oblivion in terms of working my program, and have thus decided that my best course of action is to do that which I know to be effective -- start reworking my Steps. I've been stuck in doing Step 9 amends for quite some time (my 2nd time through the Steps). It appears to me that I obviously didn't do something right in the beginning and thus I have begun working the Steps again.

All things considered my life is pretty chipper these days. I've had a few minor slides in to oblivion, emotionally, but I am back on track and feeling quite confidant in how I am working my program these days. What I am most impressed with is how my Higher Power has changed my attitudes over these past few years. I am grateful, very grateful, for this great gift of recovery that has been given to me.

This Demented Inn

2008-01-27T00:14:00.000-05:00

"Into this world, this demented inn, in which there is absolutely no room for him at all, Christ has come uninvited. But because he cannot be at home in it - because he is out of place in it, and yet must be in it - his place is with those others who do not belong, who are rejected because they are regarded as weak; and with those who are discredited, who are denied the status of persons, and are tortured, exterminated. With those for whom there is no room, Christ is present in this world. He is mysteriously present in those for whom there seems to be nothing but the world at its worst" (Thomas Merton).

Hamster on a wheel drinking Red Bull

2008-01-15T22:55:00.001-05:00

I heard a marvelous analogy of addiction in an AA meeting this evening. It was remarked that the process of active addiction was rather like being a "hampster on a wheel drinking red bull." For some odd reason this stuck with me -- this has certainly been my experience. Active addiction was, whether chemicals or addictive sexual behaviors, like a roller-coaster with an iron seat that nothing seemed to pry me away from. I was rotating at rapidly increasing speeds, losing the coins in my pockets, my wallet, my keys, even my shirt. The only difference is that now, in recovery, I simply havn't put down the Red Bull. :)

Healing of the Unconscious

2008-01-10T01:05:00.000-05:00

I went to a magnificent SAA meeting this evening where I got very honest with everyone in the group about some middle circle behaviors that have been going on for me, and my failed attempts at reigning them in. I have been honest with my sponsor and my fiance about these things, but have been very reluctant to put them out there for the group. There is this false sense that I have that I shouldn't be struggling with such things with the time in sobriety that I have. But there is a greater voice that tells me that I will be accepted and loved, despite my faults, failings, and imperfections. There is, of course, the voice that cries for honesty and transparency, a voice that I acquiesced tonight.

I also had a lovely time this evening with one of my sponsees helping him work his 3rd Step. I never cease to be amazed at the magic of this program and of these Steps. I never cease to be humbled by its work in the lives of others. Perhaps I should be more consciously aware of how the program works in my own life.

At the moment I am reading this fabulous book. Here are some quotations that I think are very pertinent for recovering people:

" . . . because of the 'human condition' and the false programs for happiness that we have developed early on, it seems that we have not yet reached this stage [referring to the graduation from mere self-concern and motivation towards the larger concerns of family, country, and the world] and instead have a sense of being alienated from God. If we emerged into full reflective self-consciousness with a growing sense of being in union with God, then we would continue to develop in the process of ever-higher levels of consciousness, because of the security that comes from our union with God. However, because of our sense of alienation from God, we are afraid and feel alien in the world. The world is experienced as a threatening place" (Murchadh O' Madagain, Centering Prayer and the Healing of the Unconscious, 2007, p. 28-29)

"We should remember that anytime we experience an upsetting emotion, it is pointing to something deeper that is not right. If we find ourselves upset, it is because some emotional program has just been frustrated. The only way to resolve this ongoing problem is to face the issue within us, instead of trying to tackle the millions of issues that will trigger off this reaction from the outside, which obviously is impossible. Until these false programs for happiness are undone, we will go on reacting and being miserable, blaming the rest of the world for our own unhappiness" (Murchadh O' Madagain, Centering Prayer and the Healing of the Unconscious, 2007, p. 51).

"The fourth kind of consent is the consent to be transformed. While this might sound appealing, many people are in great fear of it, as they do not know what it involves and do not want to rush into it. 'The transforming union requires consent to the death of the false self, and the false self is the only self we know.' People can be more afraid of this than of physical death" (Murchadh O' Madagain, Centering Prayer and the Healing of the Unconscious, 2007, p. 56-57).

Restoring The True Self

2008-01-06T19:05:00.001-05:00

"Restoring The True Self"
January 28, 2007
by Chris

We have lost our true selves
You and I
We members of this broken human race
Lacking in fearless self-examination
We embrace the emptiness of our disease --
This broken
Shattered
Humanity.

We embrace our selfish
Egotistical desires
Abandoning ourselves of any responsibility
To anyone else other than our instincts.
No suffering or ego deflation for us.
We'll just smoke some blow,
Drown ourselves in the oblivion of tequila,
Sex it up with some crack whore
Down the street who doesn't
Even know your name.

This ignorance
This compulsion towards emptiness
Against which everything else is denial
Lies to us sweetly
Like the sweet utterances of a lover in the
Throws of passion
Seductively digging her claws into your flesh
As she grinds her pelvis
Into the depths of your empty little soul.

Form is without emptiness
And emptiness is without form.
That which is form is emptiness
That which is emptiness form.
Unskillful actions are but potentials
Activated by our minds
Which can neither be created nor destroyed.
Wisdom beyond wisdom.
No good or evil.
No knowledge to be gained.
No obstacles
No fears.
Nothing really to be obtained.
Just awakening.
Sweet awakening.
Beyond the sea of denial and disease.

Twelve Steps of A Sponsor

2008-01-04T01:39:00.001-05:00

I found this somewhere and felt it to be very appropriate:

Twelve Steps of a Sponsor (Anonymous)

I will not help you stay and wallow in limbo.
I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.
I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to continue becoming the authority for your own living.
I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up,” simply because I cannot.
I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow yourself, by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
I cannot take away your loneliness or pain.
I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, or tell you what is best for you in your world, for you have your own world.
I cannot convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of growing, over the safe misery of not growing.
I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when YOU choose not to GROW.
When I begin to care for you out of pity, when I begin to lose trust in you, then I am toxic and bad, inhibiting for you, and you for me.
You MUST know — my helping is conditional; I will be with you, I will hang in there with you, as long as I continue to get even the slightest hints that you are willing and still trying to GROW.
If you can accept all of this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what HP meant us to be — mature adults — leaving childishness forever to the little children."

A New Year, One Day At A Time

2008-01-01T00:20:00.000-05:00

At one point in my life I sincerely felt as if I had been singularly chosen by God to endure the bulk of suffering of mankind. Today I am firmly convinced that I am exceedingly lucky compared to many. My patients never cease to humble me.

One young 14-year old patient of mine today stands in my mind. This child was hospitalized at the age of 7 due to a suicide attempt by hanging related to dealing with being sexually assaulted multiple times by a 15 year old boy. Yesterday marked the 3-year anniversary of his father's suicide, and he found himself in my care because he attempted to end his own life in a similar fashion. Seared on this child's mind is the image of peeling his father's corpse from a car in his grandmother's driveway, brains splattered across the leather seats, victim to his own handgun and an utterly desolate life. Schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar/manic depressive disorder) and alcoholism stole his joy and meaning.

This child and I talked at length -- about his own struggles, his own joys, his own search for meaning. Perhaps most people would see a delinquent child who has assaulted his step-father and police officers, who is chemically dependent, learning disabled, generally socially undesirable, and bound for a life in the criminal justice system. I see a life that can be saved if we only search deeply enough with the arms of love and acceptance.

Perhaps this is what my life is about -- to purify the shame and suffering in my own life and be a light of healing into the lives of others. I certainly don't do this perfectly -- I am not always as patient as I could be, I don't always know the right thing to say at the right time for the right child, I am often far more judgmental than I should be -- but what I do is care, and I am fairly certain that I communicate this well to every wounded child whom I care for. And this is what God made me to do -- to be present to the suffering of others, and to be party to their own search for meaning.

Lots of New Developments

2007-12-21T00:53:00.000-05:00

My apologies for not being more devoted to posting to this blog in the preceding few weeks. I've had a lot of fascinating developments and I havn't really had time to come here and bare my soul.

The SAA Christmas party was an astounding success and we had wonderful attendance. It was a delight for all of us to gather in a very non-serious setting and all of us to just have fun. We will certainly have to do it again.

As you can no doubt easily read from the picture, I will be getting hitched in short shrift. I presented my beloved with the ring (sapphire with six small diamonds with a platinum antique scroll band) on December 10 at our favorite restaurant and she said yes. I already have things arranged with the church of our choosing, and we will be married on July 26, 2008. I'm quite excited. We will be having a very traditional Mass with the smells and bells, not to mention lots of chanting in English and Latin. I am, indeed, a very lucky man.

Also just got back from a retreat at Monastery of the Holy Spirit (Conyers, GA) with one of my sponsees. We attended the Liturgy of the Hours (Vigils, Lauds, Terce, Sext, None, Vespers, and Compline) there and worked on the Steps. He completed Steps 4-7. I'm very pleased. It was a tremendous atmosphere to bear our souls to one another. I also presented him with his 1 year chip/token at a meeting of our sister fellowship, SLAA, there in Atlanta.

There are also some exciting developments in terms of my local SAA group. We are soon to be expanding from one meeting weekly in our geographic region to three. The women are starting their own meeting, and we are adding in an afternoon meeting on Sundays. Exciting times to be a sex addict, I must say.

I am just filled with gratitude. Lots of beautiful things going on for me in my life. That said, however, my finances are struggling far more than I would like at this time. I am filled with a lot of fear these days, and it looks as if I may be forced to "ask for help" from my mother. This isn't a prospect that this adult healthcare professional relishes in the slightest. But I am going to be forced to. With having to cut back a shift weekly since the middle of the semester, I have some rather insurmountable financial obstacles that arn't disappearing. My pride and ego are frightened at such prospects. However, at times we must do those things that are most difficult.

I am also in the process of re-working Step 9, and I have quite a few amends that I have been not looking forward to making. I am not relishing the prospect. But I have been procrastinating too much on these things. It is far easier for me to busy myself with my sponsees and helping them work their Steps.

Chris

The Promises

2007-12-07T04:23:00.000-05:00

I found a lovely posting from a blog talking about "The Promises" of Al-Anon
from the AFG book From Survival to Recovery.

1. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.
2. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth
4. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents.
5. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.
6. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them.
7. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand.
9. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
10. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God’s ease, balance, and grace.
11. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life’s paradox, mystery, and awe.
12. We will laugh more.
13. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness. Then we suddenly begin to notice these gifts appearing. We see them in those who walk beside us. Sometimes slowly or haltingly, occasionally in great bursts of brilliance, those who work The Steps change and grow toward light, toward health, and toward their Higher Power. Watching others, we realize this is also possible for us.

Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice to face? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough."

BEAUTIFUL. :)

Christmas Party for Sex Addicts?

2007-12-06T01:49:00.000-05:00

I suppose it presents a unique situation when a bunch of sex addicts and their spouses/partners gather together to celebrate Christmas together. This Sunday my SAA group is having a Christmas party in the home of two of our members who have so graciously offered their time and home for the evening to us. It will be a beautiful occasion and I am dutifully excited.

One of the things that myself and the other "old timers" my my SAA group have tried to emphasize is social fellowship between members. In chapter one of the personal stories in the Sex Addicts Anonymous Green Book (p. 109), the author talks about a retreat that the original SAA group went on, where he goes on to talk about how that tradition continued through the years. He writes: "There was almost a magic to the weekend. It deepened our bonding and enriched our program . . . My learning over the years is that groups that spent weekends together did very well. . . The group has to have a life outside of its regular meeting time."

What parties, retreats, etc. create for us is a foothold over the terminal "uniqueness" and isolation that is characteristic of our disease. It makes us far less able to embrace that voice within us that tells us that we are especially evil, unworthy of love, and deserve each and every bad thing that life throws at us. Indeed, we are not alone. Fellowship fosters within us the courage to confront the lies that we tell ourselves.

In the ORIGINAL version of "The Problem" by Roy K in our sister fellowship, SA, the last paragraph is particularly pertinent: "In the solution, by surrendering again and again to the discipline of meeting with each other, people, without knowing it, through the honest revelation of their own lives, confront us with our disease as it really is. Our cry, 'Connect with me' becomes 'Confront me with myself -- the self I'm running from -- in a way that I can accept.' And the healing begins."

Have chronic anxiety or trouble sleeping? Try some L-Theanine

2007-12-06T00:48:00.000-05:00

I know it's a bit odd for a recovering person to push a pill as a solution to a problem. We all have this little voice inside of us that tells us that a "pill will fix everything." Dodging that voice, of course, some of us have true organic problems that need pharmacologic intervention. Would we endorse someone not to treat their diabetes or hypertension? That would require taking "drugs", of course. I don't want to detract from the legitimate point that many medications can pose addictive issues for people. I don't pretend to be immune to this. The exciting thing about this supplement is that it is "natural" in the most immediate sense, is available over the counter, and has absolutely no evidence that it poses any addictive potential.

Chronic lack of sleep is a drag. I, for one, am plagued by a chronic intractable insomnia that eats me to the bone. I cautiously acquiesced to my psychiatrist and chose to treat them in the traditional manner, but with some heavy monitoring, of course. L-Theanine may present to me another tool to fight this problem.

L-Theanine is an amino acid derivative of green tea that has been getting some sensational coverage in the secular press, and increasingly, in the medical journals. We're all familiar with the hundreds of studies showing the vast array of health benefits of green tea. Many of its qualities that induce relaxation come from a potent neurologically-active amino acid called L-Theanine. Ingestion of 200mg of L-Theanine creates a sense of relaxation after 30-40 minutes of ingestion. It does so by stimulating the production of alpha brain waves, as well as being involved in the formation of the inhibitory neurotransmitter, GABA (gamma amino butyric acid). GABA, of course, inhibits the reuptake of dopamine and serotonin in the post-synaptic cleft.

I've ordered a bottle of this stuff and this is my first night trying it. I hope it will be beneficial. I have attached links to all the studies I found in the medical databases concerning this substance. I hope someone else out there finds this useful.

Can't Sleep -- Get some Zzzz's
L-Theanine -- The Next Supplement Superstar
L-Theanine -- The Relaxation Amino Acid
L-Theanine Monograph
L-Theanine Reduces psychological and physiological stress response
The acute effects of L-theanine in comparison with alprazolam on anticipatory anxiety in humans
The effects of L-theanine, caffeine and their
combination on cognition and mood

Love Is The Revelation Of Our Deepest Personal Meaning

2007-11-25T00:50:00.000-05:00

"Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value, and identity. But this revelation remains impossible as long as we are the prisoner of our own egoism. I cannot find myself in myself, but only in another. My true meaning and worth are shown to me not in my estimate of myself, but in the eyes of the one who loves me; and that one must love me as I am, with my faults and limitations, revealing to me the truth that these faults and limitations cannot destroy my worth in their eyes; and that I am therefore valuable as a person, in spite of my shortcomings, in spite of the imperfections of my exterior ..package... The package is totally unimportant. What matters is this infinitely precious message which I can discover only in my love for another person. And this message, this secret, is not fully revealed to me unless at the same time I am able to see and understand the mysterious and unique worth of the one I love..." (Thomas Merton, Love and Living, 1979, p. 35).

Merton has this lovely gift of forcing us to transcend our complacency. Love IS the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value, and identity. The image first conjured in my mind by this passage from Merton creates for me an image of two star-crossed lovers peering into the eyes of one another on some starry, moon-lit night with the crickets and cicadas singing in the distance. However well this passage reflects what true intimacy should look like in a spousal relationship, we need not forget that Merton was in fact a cloistered monastic who eventually became a hermit.

Too often we are in fact prisoners of our own egoism. It is easy to recognize that we are obviously ego driven when we act selfishly, creating suffering for others. This sort of self-obsession is comfortable, easy for us. A more insidious vice is the self-obsession whose voice tells us that we are valueless, unworthy of love, that we do not in fact deserve love and respect. This is the same voice of our self-proclaimed martyrdom, who rears its head when we we willingly CHOOSE to be victim to the selfishness of others. How many times have we, in our ADULT lives, allowed ourselves to be the victim, taking insults and abuse, denying our inherent dignity and worth?

The bitter reality for us is that these two forms of self-obsession are in fact sides of the same coin. When we fail to love ourselves, to accept ourselves as we really ARE, rather than the fantasy reality we create within our minds, we betray the image of our Higher Power within us, that image that is so deeply imprinted into our souls. Those of us who proclaim theological traditions in the Judeo-Christian lineage state that we believe that we are "made in the image and likeness of God." How often, then, do we, as Recovering persons, live and act as if we are that reflection of the Divine Essence? Should we not recoil as easily at abuse that we inflict on ourselves? Should we not not expend every effort to protect our own shattered reflection of the Divine Essence? Should we not be as vigilant in defending the Divine light within ourselves?

The answer is obvious.

Life is quite a bit more cheerful

2007-11-23T02:48:00.001-05:00

I can say with much assurance that life is far more cheerful than it was in my post last week. The therapy session did go marvelously well, and the stressors at work have seemingly dissipated. It's very odd how life can seemingly progress from chaos to serenity within a matter of days. I've also finished all the papers that I have due this semester in graduate school, and the rest of the semester looks to be cheerful. My most likely scenario is two A's and one B, with a W for the class I dropped.

One of the things that comes to mind most for me from last week was the desperation that I felt in the wee hours of Friday morning. I was stressed to the point of being suicidal, which is certainly an odd thing for me. I had already done the appropriate things -- calling people, talking about what I was feeling, etc, all in addition to praying. What happened for me, however, at the 3:00 A.M. hour was a prayer of utter hopelessness, of surrender. "God, I need you, now. I need your intervention now, for my own means of dealing with this have been utter desolation." I awoke the next morning with a tremendous hope about life, and this was solidified in what was one of the most powerful therapy sessions I have ever had.

Life has been pretty hunky dorey since then. I was more than a bit sleep deprived earlier this week due to 18 hours spent on a graduate paper, but nothing has changed the hopefulness that was given me on Friday. I have a great deal of gratitude for my Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself.

One of the things that also strikes me this week is how utterly conniving sex addiction is. I have been struggling for quite some time to move some behaviors from my middle circle into my inner circle. In the beginning of my journey of sobriety these behaviors caused me little grief, for they were a far cry from the life of behaviors I was abandoning. These behaviors never endangered my intimate relationship nor caused me particular grief. They never hurt my soul, nor endangered my serenity in the past. I was also advised by my sponsor in the beginning to quit that which brought utter unmanageability and powerlessness and shame into my life, and leave those that are not patently obviously addictive for a future point.

The problem is -- I have reached that future point. A year and a half into sobriety, two years into the program, these behaviors that were somehow acceptable in early sobriety I now find to be a barrier to my spiritual growth. Furthermore, I see them as a barrier to my growth and devotion to the woman I love. These are not things that I wish to carry with me into a married relationship.

I find myself in meetings, saying that I am a year and a half "sober", while secretly feeling in my soul that I'm not -- because I feel as if the addiction still has this hold on me. I feel like a hypocrite to my sponsees because of this. What kind of model of sobriety am I if I still struggle like this?

One good thing that happened to me today was that I spoke with my sponsor for a good while today, and I will be meeting with her for lunch this Monday. Due to my relocation my time spent with her has been less than what either of us would like. Furthermore we talked about how limited our contact has been over the past few months with the drama that has been going on for her in her place of employment and her massive amounts of overtime required. What we came to was an understanding that we need to set a specific time in our combined schedules that, no matter what, we talk on the phone, at least for 30 minutes. This is what I need in my life right now. I need her guidance, her gentleness, her insight.

As for the AA sponsor that I've been exploring for here in my new location -- I'm not sure it's going to work out. He just doesn't seem like a good fit for me. So yet again, I'm on the lookout. The reality of the matter is that the right person WILL materialize at the right time, when that person is needed, and I am ready.

Sometimes life IN recovery isn't a hell of a lot better than life outside of recovery

2007-11-16T01:23:00.000-05:00

This hasn't been the best of days or months for me. Sometimes I feel, however selfishly, that I am singled out for suffering in life. Many days of late I feel like my Higher Power is punishing me for my past actions, that somehow or the other, I'm still not good enough.

For instance, last week I had to withdraw from a graduate class because I wasn't passing it, and this has pushed forward my graduation for a year. I spent most of the week sitting in that shame, not to mention some other shame associated with that situation. That, coupled with the fact that I had a minor fender bender last week, which was my fault, for which my insurance will be paying out $560 to repair this gentleman's car. Also not helpful. Added to that I got a speeding ticket today on the way to work. Not good.

Add that to a call from one of my sponsees this morning that his legal issues are not resolving as we were previously counting on. I am still convinced that this is nothing more that a big giant fucking pothole in the road and that things will work out as they are supposed to. It's somehow easier for me to believe that God is far less interested in punishing him than me.

Add to that some rather painful and to me, shaming, conflicts at work with co-workers. Somehow or the other I always seem to find a way to shame myself, and feel like everything is my fault.

On the flip side of things, my romantic relationship is soaring far beyond anything I have ever known. We have an intimacy and honesty that I have never experienced before. I have every intention of asking this woman to marry me in December. We've been together 3.5 years and it has never been this good. It's amazing. She is a singularly incredible human being and I am the luckiest man alive to have her as part of my life.

In addition, my SAA sponsees are doing well in their respective recoveries, and have each expressed to me in the past week that my gentleness and kindness towards them have been vital in their recovery journey. That is coupled with the fact that I think I have finally found someone in my area to be my new AA sponsor. I have not been very successful in finding someone since the move, and I frankly have not been utilizing sponsorship as I should. I also have been unable to utilize my SAA sponsor as I might like due to some rather taxing tragedies in her life in the last six months or so. I really need some quality time from her right now.

I have a therapy session tomorrow afternoon before I go into work, and I hope and pray that I will hear something that I can use to get me through tomorrow. At least, tonight, I feel very lonely and afraid. I am greatly in need of some intervention on the part of my Higher Power.

The solution to all of your addictive cravings

2007-11-15T04:51:00.000-05:00

The solution to all of your addictive cravings......the Cadbury Crunchie Bar.....

Third Step Prayer

2007-11-15T03:34:00.000-05:00

Dear God,
I find myself wandering the veritable abyss of existence, not in solitude, but in a sense of terminal “uniqueness” that I find frightening and lonely. All the while I strive for harmony and balance I see myself holding ever more tightly to the precipice, not quite ready to allow myself to let go and fall into Your embrace. I spend my life in a virtual whirlwind of activity, floundering about, pensive, about trivial matters. I waste away seeking the fleeting pleasure of another’s positive regard while the rotting corpse of my soul lies hanging, shackled in the dungeon of my despair.

I have come to see there is a better way. No longer must I be strangled in the grip of my own self-deprecation and hasty self-condemnation. No longer must I run after the promise of fulfillment in temporal success.

I have learned that I am not alone in my struggles. I am not that pathetic excuse of a moral reprobate that I have felt myself to be. I am merely a frail human creature who has spent much of his life chasing after the quick fix that only brought more sorrow on its wings. I am forgiven of my “unskillful actions” and have chosen to be responsible for the life that I live. I have learned that I can trust in the gentle arms of the universe to embrace me as I am swallowed by the billowing waves of love.

I know now that living justly means far more than simple moral conduct. It means living, fully, every moment of my life, in the recognition that through my fellow man . . . that which is me . . . . is consumed in You. That which I call my being is transfigured in the flame of Divine Love and is transformed by loving-kindness. I choose to be made whole. I now turn over all that I am to become all that I can be—as a man, as a human creature, as a wounded reflection of the Divine Essence Itself. Teach me to be, to live. Teach me to be present every moment of this precious life you have given me. So be it. Amen.
Love,
Chris
(Published on page 10 in the January/February 2007 Edition of The Plain Brown Rapper, the Newsletter of Sex Addicts Anonymous)